Book Review: Words That Hurt, Words That Heal

Created by Kubasian

The holidays are coming up! I love this time of year. It's a time to reflect, cook, eat, and spend time with family and friends. It's also a time of reconcilliation for any familial rifts or any friendships that have drifted apart. What we choose to say to each other and about each other are more important than we think which is what led me to review this book.

Released in 1998, Words That Hurt, Words That Heal: How to Choose Words Wisely and Well by Rabbi Joseph Telushkin is a wonderful book about guarding the words that come out of your mouth. Most interpersonal problems people face are the direct result of what someone has said or heard someone say about them.

Rabbi Telushkin has split his book in five parts almost like an opera with five dramatic acts:

Part One: Like an overture to an opera, this small section discusses the power of words and uses anecdotes sensitizing the reader to the strength of words. By exposing the true ugliness of hurtful words, it urges the reader to repel and desire to learn how to use this powerful tool.

Part Two: This section is very helpful to those who are stuck or confused about what to say and how to stop gossiping. Through more anecdotes from his life, the bible, and lives of his peers, Rabbi Telushkin tells us how to speak ABOUT others. I appreciated how he validated the lure of gossip and how easy it is to slander each other whether the person is a public figure or a peer. My favorite section in part two is "When, If Ever, Is It Appropriate to Reveal Information That Will Humiliate or Harm Another?" This little section is a must read for every one of all ages.

Part Three: This section is the steak of the entire book. Here is where Rabbi Telushkin explains how to talk TO others. He tells us how to kindly criticize and rebuke fairly. My favorite part of this section is his recommendation to rebuke in a way that maximizes the good and minimizes the bad.

Part Four: This is a beautiful section. It's about restoration, reconciliation, and how to heal. Everyone in their life has said something he/she wishes he/she did not say. There are times when you do not have to address an issue; showing concern by inquiring, "How are you?" will suffice and may open a door to healing.

Part Five: This section is his charge for the reader. He recaps everything he has discussed giving the reader all the highlights and tools to immediately improve his/her words after reading the last page. This is the section for those who want a quick reference after reading the book and want a refresher.

This book changed my life. I was left with a great understanding of the power of words and how I have the choice to either add tension or relieve tension through my words. This whole book boils down to one phrase: how to love others through words. It is such a broad statement but his reasoning to love others (even strangers) and how to do so is untenable; philosophically and morally. If one values the importance of valuing others, he/she will realize Rabbi Telushkin speaks truth with sweet firmness.

Get your copy before the holidays and reconcile with those you love, like, and can't stand!